It's not your fault...

This is taking personal to a whole new level. But I've been feeling kind of down lately and then I logged into facebook (my actual account, not my despondent medic account, even though I've wrote "despondentmedic" later on...you'll see). And I realised that I don't want to put all the generic stuff on my status. So I started to write (on Word) what I really wanted to write (on FB) and it kind of turned into this. And then I realised that I wanted one of the people involved in the...for want of a better word, rant...to read this but I can't send it to them. I just can't. So I decided to put it up here instead. Don't feel like you need to say anything. You can if you want (my heart flutters everytime it says "1 comment needs moderating", lol), but you don't have to. Anyway...  (NB the bold doesn't mean shout it or anything, it's just an emphasis when you say it out loud. You normally put italics but I'd already used them. This was a bad idea. NBB I'm not crazy. It was just a bad day)

DESPONDENTMEDIC wishes the world would stop turning, wishes that she could make it stand still, wishes that out of the darkness someone would come find her and tell her the truth. It shouldn’t be this hard to live, it shouldn’t be this hard to step through the crowds, it shouldn’t be so easy to blend into the background, especially as you’re meant to be surrounded by people who love you. Yeah, right. Falling again. Flew too high now falling again. I can see the wall and I know that it’s Germany all over again. So high, so tall, impossible to climb, too solid to chisel through. How long must I walk 'till I find a hole? How long will I walk 'till I find a hole? It shouldn’t be this hard, but it is. Is it my fault? They always say it wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t your fault we got divorced, it was never your fault that we argued. But they don’t realise they’re just screwing you up even more. Yeah, maybe some people just accept that but I was never an acceptor, not when it comes to life. It wasn’t your fault – you say that to a person who finds it hard to believe and hard to trust and they’re just going to doubt your every word even though they love you so much. It wasn’t your fault.


It was my fault, and the realisation is harder to bear than you thought. Then you grow up, you swim through the treacle of disappointment that seems to be rising an inch every minute, every second, every whisper. And then something happens. Another abandonment. Another abandonment by someone who claims to care about you. Well if you cared why did you go? If you thought I was going to hurt myself why did you disappear? If you were concerned I was going to do something bad and come running to you for support then why did you make it so that when something bad does happen I can’t find you? You claim you care, you even claimed unconditional love. And if you never said that’s how it came across. And then you do something like this. I’ve complained to you before. I’ve told you about him, about his lies, about his claiming unconditional love and how it’s so hard to deal with the pain when he disappoints again. When he hates, again. I’ve told you, I must have. And if I didn’t surely you got it from the book that you got everything else from. And then you do the same - I still love you but I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s like being dumped by the boyfriend I’ll never have. It’s worse than being dumped by the boyfriend I’ll never have. It’s like falling out of a plane without a parachute. It’s like being told you’ve got incurable cancer. It’s like having someone cut out your gut and then making you eat it. It’s like watching your child die. It’s like watching your mother die. It’s like dying. With no hope of a hereafter.

And you know what’s so funny? In some ways you were right. There is something wrong. I am broken. Cracked. Missing. Misplaced. I am, and you realised, and you told other people but you never tried to help me. You took a responsibility that you thought too heavy for your already overburdened shoulders and you threw it at others. If you were so concerned why didn’t you try to help me? If you were so concerned why have you left? If I didn’t love you why am I still be so sad about this? I am broken. I am cracked. I am twisted inside. Misplaced. And you made it worse. You left. You left. You left.

Do you want to know the only good thing that has come out of this? I’ve finally admitted to myself that I need help. No, that’s wrong. I knew I needed help a long time ago. I came out of the womb knowing there was something wrong with me. But you spurred me to actually be proactive and go get help. After everything, the caring, the shirking of responsibility it was your inaction and your selfish actions that made me go get help. You made me go get counselling. And for that I hope I can one day thank you.

I miss you. And I love you. And I want to hate you but I can’t. And I don’t want you to come back because then when it doesn’t work you’ll leave again and third time’s a charm.

I miss you. And I’m sorry. But it wasn’t your fault – well, it quite blatantly was.