The real reason why...

You think that you can't be disappointed by anyone else you love in life because you've stopped anyone who might potentially hurt you from getting too close due to unfortunate past experiances. And then, completly out of the blue, it happens and you're left feeling the way you felt when your parents got divorced and again when your dad told you he had got married a year ago without telling you.

I know it's cliched to say that it feels like your heart has been ripped out, or there's a deep abyss inside of you but they're cliches for a reason - they have a certain degree of accuracy. It does feel like that, like there's a piece missing from inside you.

Do you  want to know what the worst bit is? It's the fact that this person had my complete and utter trust. Because, lets face it, when my parents got divorced I already had adverse feelings towards my father to the extent that I questioned whether or not the love I felt was genuine or there out of convention. And by the time he pulled the marriage lark there was a part of me that wasn't surprised at all because dissapointing me was kind of his thing. But I never expected abandonment from a person who I considered more family than my dad, who was such a huge part of my life and who cared for me more than most people. Because I love them, and it isn't gushy guey love or convention love but the love I hold for my mum and my brother (it isn't a boy, just to make that clear- guys don't look at me).

I'm beginning to think its me. That there's something about me that drives people away.

This person told my mum that she's worried about me because of something I wrote, told her countless times and then buggers off despite being concerned about me and my health. This person told my mum, and by association, me that we shouldn't lose our faith in people and then buggers off anyway - hypocritical bull. I saw this person at every stage to come in my life - graduation, marriage, when I had children. They were going to continue being in my life the way they had been a constant presence in my life to date. And then they throw you overboard and wave goodbye as you start to drown.

I know I've written some post before where I claim to be depressed and I know the name "Sometimes Despondent" has been seen funnily before. But then something happens and you remember why you called yourself despondent in the first place. And you remember that you're not meant to be happy, that a happy day just doesn't exist. This isn't me being melodramatic. This is me being perfectly serious. You forget and then pay the price for forgetting

General Lack of...well, everything!

Hey!

I feel bad because I haven't been updated as often as I used to. I know I've started the last 2/3 blogs with this but you better get used to it as I'm generally full of self pity at the moment.

The novelty of medical school has finally worn off. At first getting up at 7am wasn't such a bad thing. On one hand it's later than I used to get up (6.20 when I went to high school - 6.20!!!!), and on another - it was medical school man!! University! Living by yourself!!!!! Who cared that you had only got 7 hours sleep and can only last on 8! It didn't matter because you, I, was living the life!

Now it's more of an "Nooooooo! I don't want to wake up. What's the point!? *Insert appropriate curse words here* NOOOO!"

The fact that I'm not feeling great isn't helping. The doctor is completely miffed. Apparantly (how do you get spell checks on Macs??) it's a mystery why I'm so ill (been feeling sick after eating, developed into feeling sick in the morning, low iron, pain, funny feeling inside when I press under my lower rib on the LHS - feels like something is scraping against something else). Anyone got any ideas?? No, me neither. The fact that it's been like this for 5 weeks now is also kind of worrying. This is what you get when you bloat about not getting Fresher's Flu.

So we had our first ICA (In Course Assessment - I swear us medics could have entire conversations composed entirely of acronyms!) last week and got the results on Monday. Happy to say that I passed!!! (Pass mark was 50%). It wasn't as good as it could have been but I console myself in viewing it as a mock and reminding myself that we have moved from the relative comfort of A-Level into the horrid domains of University - it's going to be harder! We were told that one of the hardest things to deal with when you move to medical school is the realisation that  you're not number one anymore. It doesn't mean that  you're not smart, but you're surrounded by 400 people who all got AAB or better at A-level! And it is hard to deal with. But I will make it onto the Honor's List, just you wait.

Just had the funniest feeling that I left my USB Stick in one of the computers this morning...umm...stupid bad memory.

See you later! And don't forget - there's a fellow first year here who is in exactly the same position as you! (A comment like that would work so much better if more people read this - time to advertise again I think.. I wonder if there's a FB group for Harvard Medical School...)

Yuck, yuck, eugh, eugh, what's that smell...

I honestly believed that I had smelt the worse smell ever. It was year 11 and I was doing work experiance at a hospital near me. I was shadowing the staff on the surgical ward and there was this patient - woman, old, kept complaining - who had at least one leg amputated (maybe two) and as a consequence didn't move resulting in huge, stinking bed sores that made me gag.

Then I went to today's lecture. Some stupid idiots - and I know exactly who it was because all they do is mess around and talk during lectures - set off two stinkbombs. Never again. Never again.

Apologises for before...

Sorry about the last post guys. But, like I said, I was feeling really guilty so I thought I could rattle a post off in 5 mins and then move on. Anyway, that was the plan. Now, however, I'm sitting in my flat at half 10 on a Thursday morning (I mean, how often does that happen?) wishing that I could just procrastinate the day away as opposed to revising for the HUGE test (HUGE, I tell you, HUGE - a significant portion of our module mark; surely it's not fair/legal for them to be giving us such monumental exams five/six weeks into term...) that I should be revising for. But the motivation has escaped me, partly because I'm being distracted by facebook and the sound of sirens - students, honestly! - and partly due to the awful dinner I had yesterday. I'm on catered and, as a sem-vegi, have been really impressed with what the options have been, until  yesterday. It was either this disgusting mediterranean stew that I couldn't eat last time I had it, or feta cheese tart. Sounds nice, hmmm? No. Dry, horrible and I really wasn't in the mood for boiled potatoes and cauliflower. Maybe it's my asian spice head rearing, begging for roti and curry. So I had salad instead. Then came upstairs and literally stuffed myself with junk. Sigh. Unfortunately the depression I was feeling yesterday has seeped over into today - never mind, FIREWORKS tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love fireworks. They make me feel happy. Is that sad? Either way, can't wait for tonight, just hope it doesn't rain! Although I have watched fireworks in the rain before, I think. Or maybe that was just a dream.

Anyway, toodles. I will work. I will work. Won't I?

Busy Busy Busy

This is going to be really quick, purely because I'm mega busy but am also feeling really very annoyed at myself for having abadoned you all for so long and failing to write. I know I said weekly updates but they're pretty hard to do when your timetable changes every week!

Yey, I made people paranoid. It wasn't intentional, well maybe a little bit.

So, this week...this week is SSC week which all of us get thanks to the GMC. Normally this would be a cause for rejoicing but the med school decided to dictate exactly what we are doing this week which has, naturally, made some people, me included, very annoyed.

And now I'm looking back and forth between the clock and the pile of revision notes I have to be written up before 4. This is partly my own fault - no one forced me to by the ticket to the musical tonight. Sorry, not telling you which one - it's only too easy to google and find out where they're performing at the moment. Suffice to say I fear for my innocence!!!!!