The real reason why...

You think that you can't be disappointed by anyone else you love in life because you've stopped anyone who might potentially hurt you from getting too close due to unfortunate past experiances. And then, completly out of the blue, it happens and you're left feeling the way you felt when your parents got divorced and again when your dad told you he had got married a year ago without telling you.

I know it's cliched to say that it feels like your heart has been ripped out, or there's a deep abyss inside of you but they're cliches for a reason - they have a certain degree of accuracy. It does feel like that, like there's a piece missing from inside you.

Do you  want to know what the worst bit is? It's the fact that this person had my complete and utter trust. Because, lets face it, when my parents got divorced I already had adverse feelings towards my father to the extent that I questioned whether or not the love I felt was genuine or there out of convention. And by the time he pulled the marriage lark there was a part of me that wasn't surprised at all because dissapointing me was kind of his thing. But I never expected abandonment from a person who I considered more family than my dad, who was such a huge part of my life and who cared for me more than most people. Because I love them, and it isn't gushy guey love or convention love but the love I hold for my mum and my brother (it isn't a boy, just to make that clear- guys don't look at me).

I'm beginning to think its me. That there's something about me that drives people away.

This person told my mum that she's worried about me because of something I wrote, told her countless times and then buggers off despite being concerned about me and my health. This person told my mum, and by association, me that we shouldn't lose our faith in people and then buggers off anyway - hypocritical bull. I saw this person at every stage to come in my life - graduation, marriage, when I had children. They were going to continue being in my life the way they had been a constant presence in my life to date. And then they throw you overboard and wave goodbye as you start to drown.

I know I've written some post before where I claim to be depressed and I know the name "Sometimes Despondent" has been seen funnily before. But then something happens and you remember why you called yourself despondent in the first place. And you remember that you're not meant to be happy, that a happy day just doesn't exist. This isn't me being melodramatic. This is me being perfectly serious. You forget and then pay the price for forgetting